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It wasn't a happy pregnancy, I didn't want to be pregnant, didn't want to get fat, didn't want to give birth - and it wasn't an easy pregnancy OR delivery. But it happened, and in the end I had a very big baby boy. I would say it took me 3 days before I wanted to have ten more. It only took 18 months and one day before I did give birth again. And I never ever regretted it from the moment Spike was born. Not that having a baby is easy. I had never grown up around babies, no one I knew had been pregnant, I had never held a newborn. I never changed a diaper until Spike was 3 days old. It can be honestly be said that I had NO IDEA what to do. I remember being wheeled out of the hospital holding Spike in my arms and thinking, "What, now they're just going to let me on my own? With this baby? I just go home and... do what? WHAT DO I DO????" So I just figured, Well, if women have been doing this since, oh, the stoneage and before, then I can probably figure something out. Let's see, the baby needs to be changed, it needs to be fed, and it needs to be loved. I think I can do that much. There were days when Spike would scream for hours. Nights too. Days and nights together. I was a stay-at-home mother until he was in first grade, so no one but me took care of those babies. (The father? He wasn't allowed to be alone with Spike until he was 3 months old, and the Ex promptly locked him in the car with the keys. So no, the father did not help.) When Spike cried and cried I would just sit and rock with him, singing Amazing Grace or Lullaby over and over and over. Sometimes I would walk around with him, patting his back and whispering sweetly in his ear, "Please stop crying or mommy is going to go crazy and throw you out the window. Or feed you to a bear. I'm not kidding. I love you. Please stop crying." There were times when I'd sit in the rocking chair by myself watching TV, while Spike sat quietly on a blanket at my feet. I just wanted to be by myself, be ME for awhile. But then I'd look down at Spike and think "You didn't ask to be born. I never wanted to have a baby but here you are and it's not your fault. And I just love you to pieces." And I'd kneel down on the floor and give his little legs a massage, or play patty-cake, or make him dance as I sang a song. I breast fed both babies, Spike until he was 8 months, Buffy until she was 10 months- she figured she would just starve if I wasn't going to nurse her, she was stubborn from the beginning. But it was easier that way, we could sleep in bed together, I would lay them next to me and nurse while dozing off some more. We had our little routine, at 9am Regis & Kathie Lee came on and we watched that show every single morning. One day the Ex was home from work and didn't want us watching TV. I became extremely agitated and anxious, I didn't want to miss Regis, I *couldn't* miss Regis. I finally realized that listening to Regis and Kathy Lee talk those first 15 minutes were just about the only adult conversation I had in my life at that time. Every morning at 9am two adults had a conversation with me, and I depended on that for my sanity. When the kids were really little I would either strap them in a carrier or put them in a stroller and we'd take walks to the shopping center. When they were babies we would go to Beverly's, the craft store, and just walk all around and look at everything. I remember always singing The Eensy-Weensy Spider while we walked there and back. When they got to be toddlers we'd walk to Longs and go straight to the toy aisle, where we played with all the rubber dinosaurs and cars. We usually left the aisle a mess, but that was just a part of our day, and of survival too. When the kids were 18 months and 3 years old we moved up to the mountains, 45 acres with no neighbors in sight and no stores to walk or drive to. We were stuck to deal with ourselves up there. We planted a vegetable garden, raised 14 ducks from the day they hatched, sailed boats in the pond, slid down the mountain. We were dirty 24-7 and we loved it. We were there the summer of the OJ trial and I remember filling the little plastic swimming pool every morning and the kids would play in it while I sunbathed topless and listened to the trial on the radio. The kids got chicken pox while we lived there and they still just ran around naked in the sun, then took their little oatmeal baths in the laundry basket. When we moved back to the city they were 3 and 4 years old. Now they were bigger, we had a big house and huge yards to care for. And a community pool down the block. We got up every day at 6am to work in the garden, did our chores around the house, ate lunch and were at the pool gate by 1pm to play. Every single day. The ex hated that we went to the pool every day and played while he was at work. But we got our chores done, and I think the kids grew up very happy. I know they did. And then finally, at 4-1/2 and 6 years old, we got divorced. Spike had just started first grade, I went back to work and Buffy went to day care for the first time in her life. She wasn't happy about it but I am really glad that I got to spend those first years at home with them. I wouldn't trade those years for anything. They were some of the happiest times of my life, until the hour when the Ex would come home. But for someone who never wanted kids, I LOVED those kids and I loved taking care of them. I was a Great Mommy. Sometimes I think back on those years and wish I could have another baby, and repeat all that joy. But I'm older now, I don't really want to give up my life again, not even for that. I'm just barely getting my life back! Part of me misses having little kids more than anything. But part of me is SO proud of how my kids turned out. And if I wait just a few more years, I may have grandchildren. Not *too* soon, heh, let's try to get them out of the house and married first, but I really really look forward to having grandkids. I will be the best grandmother EVER. And the happiest one too. I look back on my life and I just treasure those years more than anything. But I look forward and I just can't wait to see what life has in store for us.
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