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I've been an emotional wreck, I mean Really Really a wreck, Teary eyed and ready to cry at a moment's notice for 2 weeks now, which is very unlike me, and I'm not even sure WHY. Yeah, I'm upset about the Ex, and money, and Easter, but it's not as if any of this is New. We go through this all the time, over and over. So at this point I'm wondering if something is wrong with me. I even had to go to the bathroom at work this morning and cry for a few minutes, hoping that would get it out and I'd be okay. Not. Then I really was okay for a few hours this afternoon, and now I'm back again. I cannot WAIT for this to be over. It didn't help to hear that those bonuses are probably not coming in afterall. It's too long a story that I don't feel like typing, but even though all signs looked like we were getting them, Corina told me today that we're not. I still have hope that it's a surprise, but the hope is waning. So with Scott's $50 I'm buying food to last through Wednesday and Easter Stuff. I have baskets already so that's okay, but I did want to buy eggs and coloring stuff for the kids. Hopefully I can get some cheap candy. The beach trip is probably out, but we'll see what food I can pick up that would work for a day at the beach. We'll see. So anyway, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, I'm okay, and we'll be okay. I'm just real emotional, more-than-usual emotional right now. I think part of it comes from not really being able to talk about it to anyone. If you tell people how bad it is, even if you're dealing with it okay, people want to give you money. And I'm not going to take their money. But then they feel bad for you, and I don't want anyone feeling bad for me, I just want to talk about my problem!!! But I can't! I have to keep it bottled up inside me! And it pisses me off that a father would do this to his kids, and seem to enjoy the fact that it's stressing the mother out and be oblivous to the fact that it's his own kids he's hurting. God. ASShole. And maybe the real reason I've been so emotional is just seeing my kids deal with it. I'm supposed to take care of them and it's not working out too well, and it's going to be another day like Buffy's birthday, with really dumb Easter baskets, and they aren't even complaining. No one's complaining about the food situation, they're just dealing with what they get - not that they're starving, but I'm not going to claim they're eating well this week. (But Wednesday we get paid, so don't worry, they'll be fine). But I've heard Buffy tell Spike not to get seconds at dinner because "then Mom won't have anything for lunch tomorrow", or "Spike stop eating so many crackers, we have very limited money for food this week, ya know!" In such a very matter-of-fact way. Stuff no kid should have to be thinking about. So this makes me very sad that I have such wonderful kids that don't even complain about this period of time, and are more worried about me than about themselves, and here I am the Mom and supposed to be taking care of them. Yeah, I guess that's what was causing the tears, cuz they just arrived big time again. I just love my kids so much and wish I could do better for them. I know we'll be better in a few years, but soon enough they won't even be home, and I want to give them good memories NOW. And I DON'T want your sympathy either, I just want to talk about it, the way you can talk about any other problem of your life, you just can't talk about money. It's this kind of stress, this kind of stuff that eats away at you until you let a crackhead move in and pay you rent just so you can feed your kids. This is what I worried about when I thought about kicking Joe out, I didn't want to go through this because it SUCKS. Yeah, I'm happier overall, and the kids are better off, everything is better without him, but unless you've been in this situation you don't know what it's like, and you just can't judge someone for letting someone like Joe stay and help pay the bills. Now I'm rambling. I'm just exhausted, that's all. I'm going to sign off and hope I get that bonus tomorrow, and figure out how to make things work if I don't. We just have to get through Easter and then up until Wednesday. Then we'll be okay. I don't want your sympathy, okay? I just wanted to talk it out.
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