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cue: Michael Jackson “Beat It” I was only 15, and the Junior Class Treasurer. I was working at the dance, sitting at a table doing something, selling tickets, candy, I don’t remember. I hated dancing but loved to go to the dances, they were fun, and this way I was there but didn’t have to dance if someone asked. A guy I knew from band, Sherwin, came over to the table and kept me company all evening. I had known him since middle school but we had never really talked, he was one of the quietest people I had ever known. But he had plenty to say that evening to me, and I had a lot of fun talking to him. I went home that night and lay in bed thinking about things. I had never even thought about Sherwin before, in any way at all, but I had clearly had a good time talking to him that night. He was Filipino, VERY handsome, and quiet and very smart, did well in school and was friends with my friends too. I don’t remember the details of the days after the dance, but soon we were together and he became the Love of my Life at the time. He was my First Love in school and I was completely devoted to him. Scott has asked me before if I ever had any “good” boyfriends, or if any of them had even read a book before. Well, there were only two before Scott: Will and Sherwin. But you’ve never heard about Sherwin here before because I completely blocked him from my mind. Sherwin and I were together for most of my Junior year of high school, and we got to spend a lot of time together since we were both in band. It was twenty years ago, I only have fuzzy flashes of the good times with him - standing in the football field for practice on a windy October day, he walked over and gave me his Members Only jacket to wear; after working all Saturday at a hot dog stand for a fundraiser, driving to the library parking lot in his purple car and making out; hanging out at lunch with our friends, his arms around me; talking (or mostly NOT talking) on the phone while he watched Leave it to Beaver on TV; I remember his younger sister was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. And then the one and only time I ever got grounded as a kid: My mom was supposed to pick me up after school to take me to the library to do research, but instead I went to Sherwin’s house. Eventually, after calling every friend my mom had a phone number for, one of the girls called Sherwin’s house to warn us, Sherwin drove me to the library where my mom picked me up and grounded me for a month. Heh. I didn’t realize until last week how many of my memories I had blocked out, to say I was totally and completely in love with this guy was putting it mildly, and I don’t doubt that he loved me back. Remember Harmony? Well my history with her directly correlates with Sherwin. One day on a bus ride back from a band competition Harmony was relentlessly questioning Sherwin. “Why are you with that white girl? No, really, why are you with that white girl?” She took him aside and talked to him some more, I don’t know what was said, but do not underestimate her power over people’s lives in high school. By the time we arrived home, Sherwin had broken up with me. I was devasted. I remember coming home and sitting in the dark living room playing Mad Bomber on our (Atari? Nintendo?) for hours into the night. And I didn’t speak to Harmony for six months after that. I can’t say that I have ever forgiven her, even today, and that’s partly why we don’t speak now. Well, we were back together by Monday. Sherwin didn’t talk much, so there was never any reason given for the breakup, and I was just glad we were back together. And so time passed, I turned 16, we stayed together and I was completely in love. Until February 1983. I had come down with a flu that had completely knocked me out, I couldn’t lift my head or even reach for the TV remote. Turned out I had a form of non-contagious mononucleosis, I had completely run myself down at school with homework, student council, band practices, and a social life. I was out of school for three weeks. Valentines Day came and went, Sherwin sent home a stuffed bear and a large silver card with an embossed flower wreath on the front. I remember it so well because I believe I had that card until the house burned down. I do still have the jewelry box he gave me for Christmas, and I even kept the bottles of perfume he gave me for my 16th birthday - they were empty but I had kept them and given them to Buffy. Those perished in the fire. And then the doctor cleared me to go back to school. February 22. I surprised everyone by coming to pit orchestra practice for the school play. Sherwin didn’t have much to say to me. Something was wrong. I went home, he called me, and broke up with me. No reason. But I discovered the reason the next day. He had another girlfriend. Again, no real explanation from non-talking Sherwin, and that’s probably why I never got over it. To say I was devastated at that point would be a lie, I was suicidal. I’m not going to go into any details of the next two years, but just know that I spent them actually pining away for this guy. If I wasn’t crying, I was whining to any friend who would listen, or plotting ways to get him back, or tormenting his new girlfriend, or thinking of ways to hurt him. I remember TWO YEARS LATER walking through college with Charleen one day after just starting to go out with Armando (ex-husband to be) and telling her, “I must really like this guy Armando because I don’t think I’ve even thought about Sherwin once today.” “No shit,” said Charleen. Two years later and I was STILL pining for Sherwin. Now, 20 years later, I don’t blame Sherwin for anything that happened, we were kids, we actually didn’t have anything in common, and those things happen. I just wasn’t equipped to deal with it at the time, and Sherwin I’m sure didn’t know how to deal with the hysterical suicidal mess he had accidentally created. I was actually very aware after the breakup how much I was hurting *him*, and knew I was behaving badly and embarrassing myself - over and over and over and over. But I didn’t know how to stop. So as the years went by, and I would see his cousin occasionally, I would sometimes ask about him, but mostly I didn’t. I knew that the way I had behaved in school the guy probably never wanted to talk to me again. If I had ever seen him in the last twenty years I’m sure I would have turned around and left as fast as possible. But I never did see him, or hear about him. Until last week, with the guest book signing. Now granted, if I put someone’s real name in this journal, it’s with the full knowledge that one day they will probably see their name. So I guess when I answered some little quiz here saying that he was my first love, I probably hoped he would see it and just know how much I had cared for him. But there was still too much embarrassment and apologies due to ever contact him. So I ignored the guest book signer. Not to be ignored, he signed up for my NotifyList. So I emailed him. He said he used to work with Sherwin, and was googling names one day and found this, and just wanted to put us in touch. I was mortified actually, the last thing I wanted was for all that mess to be dredged up again. So I thanked him, but told him to just tell Sherwin that his old girlfriend Pischina wished him well in life. I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t think anything would have come of it even if the guy had given Sherwin my email address, that is how convinced I was that Sherwin would never have anything to do with me, ever. But then on Thursday I went to check my email, and there it was. Hi Pischina! How have you been? I hope all is well. I also hope that this is the right email address. My buddy emailed me last night claiming to have come across your name. I'm not sure how he made the connection, but that doesn't matter. I figure he is either doing me a big favor...or playing a sick joke on me. I expect it's the former because he's a standup guy. I know it's been a long time....I dare not count the years. I already feel old enough as it is. I should also apologize for this email coming out of the blue. Mike had mentioned that he didn't get the feeling that you wanted contact, which I can understand. My reason for writing is that I wanted to tell you something for the record. There are certain memories people keep all their lives...especially from high school. In my case, a lot of names and faces have begun to jumble together and become one hazy blob. But my time spent with you will always be with me. I just wanted you to know this. I wish you all the luck in the world. Please keep in touch if you can. Sincerely, Sherwin I read it and burst into tears. This was something I had locked away in my mind and in my heart for twenty full years. My first absolute Love, my first Broken Heart, regrets, apologies, embarrassments - a huge chest of emotions swung through me all at once. A time in my life for which I had never really had closure, but had just locked away. And really, that’s all there is to say, heh. I emailed him back, we’ve emailed back and forth, he wants to keep in touch, and I am treasuring our new friendship. It took me a couple days to get over that fact, that he wants to be friends. Don’t get me wrong, we were sixteen years old then, we had nothing real in common, I don’t want to start anything up and neither does he (he’s also married with a little girl), it is just good to be friends with someone that I should have stayed friends with anyway. So I’m not writing here to tell you I’ve found my long lost love, I’m writing to tell you about a particular chapter of my life that you’ve never heard before, and to tell you about the wonderful ending I finally have - and a new beginning of friendship.
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