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This happened a few weeks before Christmas. Spike and friends asked if they could clean out the garage and create a "skateboard club". Well HELL YEAH you can clean out the garage! It's been filled with boxes of burned up stuff from the burned up house for over two years now and I have lost interest in going through it. It was also filled with lots of smoky furniture. Basically it was filled to the rafters with furniture and boxes and I barely had room to get to the washer and dryer. I told him okay. In less than two hours they had cleaned out the entire thing. I mean, cleaned out, swept out, carpet laid, couches and desks arranged, and TV-DVD-PlayStation plugged in and set up. They have all our old computers out there. You name it, they have it. All they need is a fridge - and they're working on it. I was so happy I could have hugged and kissed each one of his dorky pimply-faced friends. So they asked if they could spend the night out there. Oh yeah, spend the night in the freezing garage in the middle of winter. Whatever. Okay, yeah. I went over the rules: No loud music. No sex. No drugs. No fires. Nothing illegal. Yes Ma'am, Yes Ma'am, No Ma'am, Whatever you say Ma'am. I went to bed. I woke up at 2am and could hear them through the heater vent still talking in the garage. I wondered if I should get up and check on them. Naaahhhhh... The next morning I get up and I have to go to work. The boys decided the garage was too cold and ended up all piled in Spike's bedroom where they were waking up a little with my coffee-making noise. Buffy was also on vacation but she was babysitting her cousins so she was awake with me. She told me how she "hung out with the guys last night" and "boys are so stupid" and "they just say really stupid stuff" and "Matt kept poking me" and "Matt kept asking me if I thought he was cute" and then "Matt was laying on the couch with his feet in my lap..." Cue sound of needle flying off the record: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH! "Excuse me Buffy, what did you just say?" "Well, Matt kept poking me and saying blah blah blah blah and then he wanted to put his head in my lap -" She must have seen that certain look in my eye, that look that says "I'm listening to you but not quite hearing you and I wonder what sort of weapons I have in this house because a certain boy named Matt is about to DIE" because she suddenly got serious and went on and on about how he didn't actually have his head IN her lap, but there was a pillow BESIDE her lap and his head was only like BARELY even NEXT to the PILLOW, not in her LAP and MOM, WHAT are you doing over there??? swiiiiiiiiissssshhhhhhh was the quiet sound the butcher knife made as I pulled it out of the chopping block. Any trace of a smile immediately left Buffy's face. "MOM. What are you doing?" I took the knife, opened up the fridge and surveyed the contents. Took out some barbecue sauce and the ketsup. "MOM. Are you... going to make something?" I took a little bit of the barbecue sauce and rubbed it over the knife blade. Buffy watched. I decided the barbecue sauce wasn't real enough, I added ketsup and rubbed it in. "Mom? Mom? What are you going to do with that?" "I'm going to take care of things." "MOM. MOM!! NO! What are you going to do!!!" "I'm going to have a talk with the boys," I calmly said as I held up the very real looking "bloody" knife and smiled. Calmly. "Okay, MOM! *PSYCHO*!! *PSYCHO*!!! WHAT are you going to - NO! Mom! Mom, NO, you CAN'T -" I took the knife and went to Spike's door. Knocked twice, opened the door and stuck my head in, along with my one hand that was holding the knife. As if, you know, I just happened to be using the knife and just didn't put it down before I went to talk to them. "Hi guys," I said chirpily, "I'm leaving for work now. Be good in the garage today and remember the rules," I said as I casually waved the knife around. The boys barely had their eyes open and looked as if they really just wanted me to shut the door. "No drugs, no sex, no loud music. Just be good." "Okay.. Mmm-Hmmm.. Yes Ma'am," they grunted. "Oh, and one more thing," I said as I stuck my arm further into the room. "I know I didn't tell you this before so I realize you didn't know, but I want to be very clear about this," Here is where I lose all hint of friendliness in my voice, get a little louder, and start pointing the knife at each boy to emphasize each and every word. "If ANYone, TOUCHES, MY DAUGHTER," I ended with the knife pointed at Matt, whose eyes immediately flew open, "I will STICK you, like a PIG. GOT that?" Matt gave this huge start and his eyes popped even MORE open, if that was possible. Suddenly, the boys were alert. "YES Ma'am. Yes MA'AM. OKAY Ma'am." "I just want to make sure we're clear on that rule," I said, and I closed the door. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" screached Buffy. "OH MY GOD! PSYCHO!!! YOU'RE PSYCHO!!!! OHMIGOD! OHMIGOD!!!" And she pretty much kept saying this all the way to her cousin's house. And I laughed and laughed once I got into the car, because WOW, it was BEAUTIFUL. A more perfect reaction I could never have asked for! "Mom, don't get mad when I say this... but... YOU... are PsychoBITCH!" she said laughing. I laughed too. But then I got serious as I let her out of the car. "Buffy, we may be laughing right now, because it is sort of funny, but I don't want any boys, especially Spike's friends, touching you, and if I find out they did I WILL become PsychoBitch, and I WILL kill someone. Is that understood?" "YES Mom," she said, and she flounced off to go babysit. ***** Stay tuned for Part Two, where we learn that Buffy really didn't learn that lesson at all.
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